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The Lover's Dictionary Quotes
Error rating book. Refresh and try again. The Lover's Dictionary Quotes Showing of But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you. Fuck You for cheating on me. Fuck you for reducing it to the word cheating.
As if this were a card game, and you sneaked a look at my hand. Who came up with the term cheating, anyway? A cheater, I imagine.
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Someone who thought liar was too harsh. Someone who thought devastator was too emotional. Fuck you.
These are our lives. You went and broke our lives. You are so much worse than a cheater.
You killed something. And you killed it when its back was turned.
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I want to take back what I said about you being an emotional zombie. I want to take back the wineglass I broke when I was mad, because it was a nice wineglass and the argument would have ended anyway.
I want to take back the time we had sex in a rent-a-car, not because I feel bad about the people who got in the car after us, but because it was massively uncomfortable. I want to take back the trust I had while you were away in Austin. I want to take back the secrets I told you so I can decide now whether to tell them to you again.
I want to take back the piece of me that lies in you, to see if I truly miss it. No matter how many words there are, there will never be enough. I can't even make the comparisons anymore, because my memories of that time have all the depth of a photograph.
It seems foolish to play games of better and worse. It's simply a matter of is and is no longer. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it. If I wanted to detach completely, I would move my body away.
I would stop the conversation midsentence.
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I would leave the bed. Instead, I hover over it for a second. I glance off in another direction. But I always glance back at you. Last night, I got up the courage to ask you if you regretted us. There are times when I doubt everything.
When I regret everything you've taken from me, everything I've given you, and the waste of all the time I've spent on us.
Love is one kind of abstraction.
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And then there are those nights when I sleep alone, when I curl into a pillow that isn't you, when I hear the tiptoe sounds that aren't yours.
It's not as if I can conjure you up completely. I must embrace the idea of you instead. Oh, how I hated this word.
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So pretentious, like it was always being translated from the French. The tint and taint of illicit, illegitimate affections. Dictionary meaning: a person having a love affair. Inextricably linked to sex. I have never wanted a lover. In order to have a lover, I must go back to the root of the word.
For I have never wanted a lover, but I have always wanted lover, and to be loved. There is no word for the recipient of the love. There is only a word for the giver.
There is the assumption that lovers come in pairs. When I say, Be my lover , I don't mean, Let's have an affair. I don't mean Sleep with me. I don't mean, Be my secret.
I want us to go back to that root. I want you to be the one who loves me. I want to be the one who loves you. And if the moment does pass, it never goes that far. It stands in the distance, ready for whenever you want it back. That is, that my self is so inseparable from being with you that if we were to separate, I would no longer be. I save this thought for when I feel the darkest discontent.
I never meant to depend so much on someone else. I'm not even going to try. I spent all this time building a relationship.
Then one night I left the window open and it started to rust. I felt silly for even mentioning it, but once I did, I knew I had to explain. And one day I got it in my head that California and Nevada were in love.
I told my mom, and she had no idea what I was talking about. I ran and got those two pieces and showed it to her--California and Nevada, completely in love.
So a lot of the time when we're like this"--my ankles against the backs of your ankles, my knees fitting into the backs of your knees, my thighs on the backs of your legs, my stomach against your back, my chin folding into your neck--"I can't help but think about California and Nevada, and how we're a lot like them.
If someone were drawing us from above as a map. And then you nestled in and whispered. I never understood why anyone would have sex on the floor. Until I was with you and I realized: you don't ever realize you're on the floor. And it was definitely your phrasing that ensured it.
But I loved the notion that the night was mine to spend, and I immediately decided to spend it with you.
But alcohol can't talk. It just sits there. It can't even get itself out of the bottle. Those mornings when we kiss and surrender for an hour before we say a single word.
The Lover's Dictionary
The natural state. Our moods change. Our lives change. Our feelings for each other change.
Our bearings change. The song changes. The air changes. The temperature of the shower changes. Accept this. We must accept this. You wear it on the inside of your hat. It lines your pockets. That someone like me could find someone like you it renders me wordless.
Because surely words would conspire against such luck, would protest the unlikelihood of such a turn of events.